How can I get my baby to sleep without being held?
You just sat down to feed your hungry baby, and your milk was so full of the good stuff that they dozed off. You can’t move, because they will wake. You sure as hell can’t put them down- because they will wake.
You weren’t prepared for this. The TV remote is out of arm’s reach and the bloody morning show is trying to sell you a pocket knife on a payment plan. Your water bottle is empty and your phone is out of battery. All you can see in your peripheral is the dirty dishes piling up next to the sink. Of course your bladder is full.
Perhaps the most common question I get asked, is “how can I get my baby to sleep independently?”. And I need to start by saying; what is independent to you? What are your expectations of your baby’s sleep, and is that realistic? I am not necessarily talking about getting your baby to fall asleep independently, here. Although, this approach can be applied to a number of situations- when your baby is developmentally ready.
It’s true, most babies want to be on us- a lot. They especially like to be held while they sleep.. and rocked, and jiggled, and bounced, and sung to, and stroked, and patted, and shhhhhh’d and allllllll the things…
So, what’s the secret to helping babies to learn to sleep somewhere else? Well, I’ll tell you….
There is no secret. There is no formula. There is no magic meditation song, there is no magic essential oil, there is no magic $400 product that will magically have your baby sleeping all night on their own.
So, now that I have burst your bubble- let’s look at how you can gently make changes to your baby’s sleep patterns so that you can work on having your arms free for part or all of your nap-times.
Step One. Know your ‘why’.
Have a good hard think about why you want to make this happen. Is it because you are worried about creating bad habits? Is it because your nosey Aunt Betty said some snide remark that knocked you off your perch? Is it because you read an insta post somewhere that told you that you are doing your baby a disservice by not teaching them the valuable skill of how to sleep alone?
Please, reassess if you are feeling pressured to make these changes. I can assure you, that waiting is almost always better- your baby will be a little older, you will be a little wiser, and you will both be a little more ready for any change, if you’re not already there.
But, if you’re here because you just want some space for yourself during those naptimes- read on, mama. I don’t do plans, or schedules, or guarantees. What I do do, is offer you lots of things you can experiment with. I hope this can help.
Step two: Know who you’re working with.
My second question, as always- what is the temperament of your babe? Are they adaptable, mellow, easy-going? Or are they intense, perhaps sensitive, and struggle with change? If you have a baby who is more alert, more sensitive- then your baby steps toward change might feel like tiny, relentless little baby shuffles.
If your baby is older, or naturally more easy-going nature, you might be able to move a little faster. If you aren’t sure what your baby is- have a look at my temperament and sensory pre-recorded workshop here to really knuckle down on your baby’s temperament.
Step three: Add in some more sleepy cues.
No, I am not going to talk about negative or bad sleep associations. Just, sleepy cues. The more cues we have for sleep, the easier it is to take a layer away (for example, sleeping on you!).
For the first week or so, add in something like music, smell, song, sleepy words, or shushing. Let them sleep on you as they usually do, but have another indicator for sleep that they can learn to associate with relaxation, calm, comfort, and, of course: sleep.
Understand the sensory needs behind being held to sleep. Do they crave deep pressure touch? Would they feel safe and secure in snug-fitting pyjamas? Would they like a tight fitting blanket or sleep suit?
If they need rocking, can they rock til sleepy in a hammock or swing before you take them out? Can you be there to rock their body in their cot as they stir?
Give your baby some happy times in the sleep space you want them to get familiar with. Play with them in there, hop into their cot and have fun! Let them associate the space with love, warmth & connection.
Make sure you hold them, rock them, bounce them a lot throughout the day. Fill up their cuddle-cups outside of sleep (I know, some babies cups definitely have holes in them).
Step four: Flexibly experiment with offering a little less comfort.
If your baby likes to be held to sleep, can you hold them until they are almost asleep, then pop them down and continue your new sleep associations- such as shushing, rocking them in their bed? Can you continue to hold them tight whilst they are on their sleep space? Can you get down close to them, face up next to them, and help them to settle in before peeling yourself away?
In the beginning, just work on getting them down for that first stint. It’s okay to continue to hold them to sleep if it’s working for you, rather than expecting them to fall asleep in the cot. Allow them to have whatever stint they have in there, and when they wake, just get them up and cuddle them if that is what they need. You can try to put them back down again, or just enjoy the cuddle.
As you keep practicing, in a couple of weeks, you can begin to resettle them in their cot if you want to. Your baby may let you know when they are ready for the change, but this may not be on your timeline!
Of course, there are always going to be babies that are exceptions to the rules (I love those babies, I had one!). But, don’t lose heart. What doesn’t work today, might work down the track. Consider what is worth the fight and surrender to what is not.
Remember, if it doesn’t feel good for you, it doesn’t feel good for them. If you’re feeling conflicted, go back to Step One and reasses.
Other things you can experiment with:
Can you try co-napping, then ninja-roll away?
Can you put them down when they are super floppy and in a deep sleep, and accept that they may not last long in the cot- and hold them for the rest of their sleep until they are a little older when they might handle longer stretches?
Can you keep the sleep surface warm with a wheat bag or hot water bottle, to remove just before you put your baby down?
Can you roll up a towel or blanket and place it next to or behind your baby to keep the sense of pressure?
Can you use a co-sleeping bed where you can lie or sit next to them, doing things you enjoy and relaxing whilst still there to offer a hand of support as required?
And of course, if you have a baby who is just not ready yet- can you just surrender? Can you babywear? Can you take a rest with them? Can you put them in the pram and use movement, so that you are getting out and about?
Be creative. Be flexible. Experiment. And, no, it’s not your fault if something doesn’t work.
Do you need support with your kiddo’s sleep? You might like to start with my Sleep Guide.
Otherwise:
