The unseen mental load of a mother.

Make the packed lunches, replace the tube of toothpaste the kids squeezed all over the bathroom, clean up said toothpaste, swimming lesson after school, find the swimmers and put them in car just so they aren't forgotten, run to the supermarket and grab some ingredients for dinner, think about what to make for said dinner, library day at school so make sure the books are packed, reply to that email received 3 days ago, remind husband that he needs pick kids up from school, book doctors appointment, buy a gift for the birthday party this weekend, ah shit reply to the mum about the birthday party, while i’m thinking about it the party dress needs washed, add detergent to the shopping list, call sister…….. this mental processing goes on and on (… and on).

The unseen mental load of a mother is never complete, the to do list never seems to get any shorter. And while it is continually looping through our minds, this record that plays consistently, is one that is never seen by others, often invisible to our partners and because of this the amount of vital mental processing that goes on in motherhood is so often undervalued. 

Mental load is the thinking, organising, planning, management, emotional work that underpins all of the aspects of family life, household life, everything related to our children.

• Elyse McNeil - Clinical Psychologist

While now in the 21st century we are getting a lot better at having the discussions and understanding that the household chores and day to day tasks of raising children and running a household are no longer just the domain of women, the aspect that is so often ignored in these discussions though is mental load. 

We often think that because we share the tasks, we are sharing the load. The task is not to be confused with the planning, thought and mental processing involved to ensure the task is completed, and historically and today throughout the world more often than not this mental labour still falls on the shoulders of women. 

In our brilliant chat together on the Mama Chatters podcast, Elyse McNeil, Clinical Psychologist, who did her PhD on the mental load of women gives the following example to highlight what exactly mental load is:

“There is the task of making dinner, and often couples can debate whose turn it is to cook and who is responsible for that task tonight. We focus so much on the task that we forget the associated mental load that goes along with being able to complete that task. In the example of making dinner what this means is things like: do we have enough money for the groceries, what do we currently have in the pantry, how much time do we have to cook, what does one kid like and the other not, what time does dinner need to be ready. All the invisible thinking that needs to go before the completion of the task.”

In relation to parenting and mothering, mental load is this largely unseen chasm of thought processing that goes along with running the household and tasks relating to children. All the necessary things that go on behind the scenes for our families to flourish. And in the family dynamic this mental processing has always fallen more on the shoulders of women historically and continues to do so. 

IT IS A SOCIETAL ISSUE

Historically caregiving has been the domain of women and this care work has been forever devalued, or unrecognised by our capitalistic society. There is little economic value in the eyes of society to being a mother. Mothers today are descended from women that historically had the task of caregiving placed on their shoulders and it therefore inherently seems like this is what we should be doing - carrying it all. We still reside in this paradigm where the work inside the home is of little or no economic value in the patriarchal society we live in, despite times and ways of living radically changing compared to those of our parents and grandparents. 

It is this interplay of living in a society that historically caregiving has fallen on the women's shoulders and the undervaluing of the work within the home that keeps mental load weighed upon the mother. 

But we sometimes forget we are living in a different time to even our own parents where it made sense for just one parent to support the family financially and this was always the argument that was relied upon to support the decisions for the mother to take on this physical and mental work of raising children and tending the home. But now more often than not, both parents usually need to work and while the division of tasks is becoming more balanced the divide of mental load has not changed, because it still sits hidden, unrecognised and unseen. 

It is only in recent history that the value of work within the home and for our families has been brought to light. The rise of feminism is bringing about uncomfortable but powerful conversations that are starting to shift the paradigm in which we live. The understanding that partnerships in relation to raising children need to be just that - a partnership.

We aren’t innocent though.

Mothers themselves can get in the way of the fair distribution of work and mental load– through gatekeeping, or perfectionism. Maternal gatekeeping is when we seek to control everything that happens with our kids and interfere too much when someone else is taking care of the baby – we need to appreciate that, sometimes we need to step back in order for someone else to step up. Perfectionism can do the same – wanting things done a particular way or to a particular standard, and to not be able to settle for anything less, just creates more work that inadvertently falls back upon our own shoulders.

As mothers many of us can also tend toward martyrdom. This isn’t a good colour on us. It leads to burnout and resentment. We need to be assertive and call ourselves and our families out on the automatic recreation of old family patterns. Just because it’s how our parents did it – if it doesn’t feel good for us, we need to be able to change these generational patterns. Work on becoming more aware of the things you do, just because you believe you should be doing them - and work with your partner or other important people in your kids' lives to try to make shifts.

When a mom martyrs herself to be the perfect mother that displays to her children and perpetuated over generations, and if the child decides to step out of that and do it differently it can even put strain on the relationship when the daughter decides to do it on her way.

-Dr Sophie Brock

MEN HAVE THEIR OWN MENTAL LOAD TOO 

We don’t carry it all though, we would be wrong to think like this. Men or partners aren’t free of a mental load of their own, the volume is just different. But when we can help our partners see their own mental load it can help them to see ours.

Again Elyse in our discussion used the example of finances particularly for those couples where there is a definite split between work outside the home and inside the home. The mental load of financial burden, what expenses we have, do we have enough money for this thing, am I supporting my wife enough, what about everything my colleagues need from me is an example of the mental load men in this situation carry. Using such examples in discussions with your partner of how mental load shows up in their life can help begin to highlight to them where it is you carry it in your own life.

How to balance the load

Change in society and in our homes begins with conscious conversations. It starts with us explaining how it feels to carry the load we are carrying. It starts with being honest about how we are struggling because of this, it starts with us no longer settling for it being invisible. In most loving relationships our partners do not want to see us struggle and burn out, they truly want to see us doing well and by helping them to understand more clearly we start shifting the balance more evenly.

If you are interested in finding ways to start conversations with your partner around Mental Load, I encourage you to catch the rest of the conversation between Elyse and Myself on the podcast HERE. It was such an in-depth conversation with so much goodness to get you started on the path of sharing some of the invisible mental load you carry.