Alissa Boyer, Mentor for Highly Sensitive People on being highly sensitive in motherhood, postpartum anxiety and perfecting sleep
Alissa Boyer is a Mentor for Highly Sensitive People (HSPs) with a passion for helping fellow HSPs learn how to unapologetically embrace their sensitivity and use it as a strength in their lives. She’s the creator of several online programs including The Highly Sensitive & Soulful Membership and Sensitive & Soulful Self-Worth. Alissa also offers business mentorship to HSPs, hosts a podcast called The Sensitive & Soulful Show, and writes for the award-winning HSP blog, Highly Sensitive Refuge. You can learn more about Alissa on her website https://www.sensitiveandsoulful.com and on Instagram @lifebyalissa.
We chat about:
- What is high sensitivity and Alissa's own journey discovering
- What makes a highly sensitive person amazing
- Strengths of high sensitivy in motherhood
- Navigating sensory overwhelm in motherhood
Hey Mama, I have a Sleep Guide for you! For birth to 18 months, this guide is steeped in evidence and laced with compassion. And you can download the first chapter absolutely free HERE.
Are we Insta pals? If not, why not? Come and hang out at @mamamatters.au!
As always, thanks for being here- if you enjoy this poddy I would LOVE if you could give a rating and a review. It means the world to me.
xx
TRANSCRIPT
Fiona Weaver 00:09
Hello love and welcome to the Manage chatters podcast. If you're keen to ditch all of the parenting shoulds and want to uncomplicate sleep and parenting, you are in the right place, through honest conversations with experts and each other, we will help you to cut through all of the noise and to love the heck out of your imperfect and authentic parenting. I'm Fiona, a social worker by trade. Now supporting families with sleep and parenting through my business mama matters. I'm passionate about parenting psychology, biologically normal infants sleep and infant mental health and attachment. I'm also a parent and I am on a mission to normalize the shitshow that can be parenthood.
Fiona Weaver 00:48
I know that right now you might be trapped under a sleeping baby. Or maybe you've got your headphones in to soften the blue of the afternoon witching hour, wherever and whoever you are. I want you to know that you belong here. Now let's have a chat.
Fiona Weaver 01:05
Hello, my love's I hope you're having a wonderful week. It is perinatal Mental Health Week this week. So I am having some wonderful conversations on Instagram about people's postpartum mental health journeys with relation particularly to sleep and the anxiety around sleep. And today's episode is with Alisa who is a highly sensitive person mentor. And she is speaking about her own experience with anxiety, particularly around sleep in the postpartum period. So if you have a story to share, I would love to share your story. I want everyone to feel heard and seen and safe and felt. So please get in touch if you have anything that you would like to share with the mama mothers community. We start our honest sleep groups tomorrow. So if you have a baby aged zero to 18 months, and you're wanting some help with sleep button, not a one to one consult specifically, you'd rather learn in a group and work through stuff yourself and up level and learn heaps and connect with other mums you know, going through similar things, then the honestly group is for you, you can still join over the next week. We do have a kickoff call tomorrow, but it's totally okay for you to join after that. You won't miss anything because everything will be recorded. And one more piece of business. I have a circle of security Saturday intensive coming up we start Saturday the 19th of November, it will be from 9am till 12pm Australian Eastern Standard Time, both Saturdays, so 19th of November and 26th of November. This is as opposed to doing it over seven weeks. So it's for anybody who can't make it during the week. It's for partners to hopefully be able to join as well because it's on a Saturday. It's hopefully more accessible for you. So there's still four spots left in that. If you have been waiting for a circle of security that works with your schedule, then this might be the one for you. So I will link everything in the show notes. But let's get into today's episode. Alyssa Boyer is a mentor for highly sensitive people with a passion for helping fellow highly sensitive people learn how to unapologetically embrace their sensitivity and use it as a strength in their lives. She is the creator of several online programs, including the highly sensitive and soulful membership, and sensitive and soulful self worth. Alyssa also offers business mentorship to HSPs hosts a podcast called the sensitive and soulful show, and writes for the award winning HSP blog, highly sensitive refuge. So Alyssa, we Alyssa and I connected on Instagram, because that's pretty much where I go shopping for all my friends and she had a baby about six months ago. So we had lots to talk about in terms of how motherhood has looked for her as a highly sensitive person, what the strengths of being a highly sensitive mother are and what some of the struggles are. I'm really grateful to Alyssa for sharing her story. So candidly and openly. And I know that it will resonate for so many of you. So let's chat. Hello, Alisa. Welcome to the podcast. We are so happy to have a chat with you today. Hi, thank you for having me. I'm so excited to be here. Yes. And I was just saying I only came across your Instagram account a few months ago and we connected in the DMS you've just had a little baby. So we were talking a little bit about your journey into motherhood and sleep stuff. And yeah, it was really, really nice to connect with you. So I'm so excited to have you today. Thank you. Yeah, I'm excited to be here and to just talk about all the things I'm motherhood as a highly sensitive person has been a journey and a trip. So yeah, I'm excited children. Yeah. So do you want to start by introducing yourself and telling us about yourself your work and who's in your family, where you live and all of the good things? For sure. Yeah, so my name is Alyssa Boyer. I live in Orange County, California. I just had my first baby a little girl six months ago
Alissa Boyer 05:00
because what I do is I'm a mentor for highly sensitive people. So that is really how you and I got connected, I suppose it's I, I've been sharing my work on Instagram for the past three years, and I've become really passionate about helping other highly sensitive people. Because being an HSP in the world is can be a challenge, there can be a lot that comes along with being somebody who feels so deeply who's so empathetic, who is just so awake to the world around them. So my work is really to help other highly sensitive people learn how to thrive, learn how to use their sensitivity as a gift in their lives, and not have it be something that holds them back.
Alissa Boyer 05:40
So yeah, it's my husband, my daughter, or cat and I live out here. And I'm really enjoying being able to, like work full time for myself and being a mom. And yeah, so that's kind of what I do.
Fiona Weaver 05:53
Amazing. So we do you mostly support parents or or women or women in business? Or what sort of people do work with?
Alissa Boyer 06:03
So it's all highly sensitive people starting? Yeah, it was always just like, everyone who's highly sensitive, like really, the, the people I find that gravitate most to my work are people who want to learn how to use sensitivity as a gift in their lives. So because there are definitely some, some people out there where they, you know, you can kind of want to be stuck with in the sensitivity, oh, this is hard. This is too much and kind of like focusing on what's negative about it. What's hard about it. So I find that the one thing people always have in common, that kind of gravitates toward me are like, Hey, okay, I'm learning this about myself. And I want to learn how to, like, you know, use this as a gift and use it to my advantage and not have this be something that holds me back. So, yeah, it's moms, it's, it's all sorts of people, I have a lot of parents that will reach out to me and say, Hey, I found your account and made me realize I have a highly sensitive child. And I'm certainly not Yeah, I mean, I'm not an expert, and like highly sensitive kids, I was once one. But as I've stepped into motherhood, now, I'm, you know, I'm learning so much more about being highly sensitive person as a mom. So now I'm feeling more passionate to help highly sensitive moms. And as well as a business owner, like, you know, so much comes up as a business owner. So I'm also kind of like, kind of going into that and helping people with that. So basically, what I found is anything that's like I'm navigating in my life, I like love helping people. Like I love sharing what I'm learning from my experiences. So that's kind of what I do.
Fiona Weaver 07:36
That's a gift in itself, isn't it? Being able to sort of create your work around things that are important to you at the time is really, it's really fulfilling, I find?
Alissa Boyer 07:46
Yeah, yeah. It's I almost can't help myself. Like, okay, I have to talk about this. No.
Fiona Weaver 07:52
Yeah, I totally hear you. So for people who aren't familiar with what the highly sensitive trait is, would you please be able to give us a little bit of a background? A little bit of a crash course in high sensitivity?
Alissa Boyer 08:04
Yeah, yeah. So I'm a highly sensitive person is a person who the scientific term for it is sensory processing sensitivity. Being a highly sensitive person is a trait it's not a disorder, it's not something you need to be diagnosed with you. There's actually the psychologist who found that the term highly sensitive person, her name is Dr. Elaine Aaron, she founded the term in I believe he's like 1991. So it's a fairly newer term that's been used, although highly sensitive people have been around since the beginning of time. But it's just become more recognized now. So she actually has a test on her website on HS person.com, where you can literally like take this self test, it's out of 27 questions, and it helps you kind of understand if you may have this highly sensitive trait. So some things that people could look out for it to determine if they're highly sensitive, we tend to be sensitive to like this the world around us, like sensory sensitivity. So light, bright lights can bother us loud noises or like weird repeating noises. Smells, we might be particular to like our clothing, like having, needing things to be really soft, or like being really agitated by you know, an itchy tag. We also tend to be very empathetic, a lot of highly sensitive people or that person that like their friends always open up to or they just feel comfortable with you because we just tend to be that empathetic, like kind hearted type of person. We also will tend to be more emotionally sensitive. That's often though the misconception when people hear highly sensitive person, they often think like, oh, that just this person who cries all the time and like, yeah, we might cry more easily, but there's more to it than that. And some other things are we are really good. Typically at like noticing little patterns, and seeing things that other people might not see because we're just very attuned to the world around To us, we're just like absorbing and noticing so much, which is like, which is great. But it can also be very overwhelming. So a lot of HSPs will tend to get really overwhelmed. If they have a really busy schedule, they don't get enough downtime, because we're just processing so much. So there's a lot to it. That's just like kind of a quick little rundown.
Fiona Weaver 10:21
Yeah, that was a good one. So what was your journey into learning about your own high sensitivity.
Alissa Boyer 10:27
So for me, I learned I was a highly sensitive person is probably eight years ago now. And it happened because I was got really sick, basically, and this is I found that my story is not uncommon. I was working in a really intense corporate environment, it was my first job out of college. And I was constantly stressed constantly just like working these long, crazy hours trying to keep up with the people around me and started getting really bad digestive issues like horrible, it could not eat anything. Like I was constantly sick, I was going to all these doctors, no one could help me till I finally found a holistic doctor. And he was explaining to me kind of like how when we're stressed, and when our cortisol is constantly like risen, it's going to affect our gut. And so I was really sick, because I was chronically anxious and stressed all the time. So at that time that I started getting really interested in like self help, and learning how to manage my anxiety because I was like, I want to feel better and be able to eat. And that's when my mom found the book, The highly sensitive person written by Dr. Elaine Aaron, and she was like, hey, maybe you should read this, I think it might apply to you. And so I read in Yeah, cuz she knew I was like getting into self help. So I read it. And it was like, so validating. It blew my mind. It was like, the first time in my life, I was like, oh, maybe this is like, okay, because I always thought being sensitive was a terrible thing. And I wanted to hide it. And I was embarrassed. And so it just, like, shed new light on it for me. And ever since then, I mean, that was just like the catalyst to kind of what I'm doing now.
Fiona Weaver 12:07
Hmm. That must have been even more validating to receive that from your mom. Yes. He said, for sure. Like, I see you and this is something worth looking into.
Alissa Boyer 12:17
Yeah. And my mom is like, amazing. She's not highly sensitive herself. But she is like, such a great she's always been like that really like calm, grounded person, which, for me as a highly sensitive kid who had big feelings and big emotions all the time. Like she was. She was so good with that. Yeah, very, very grateful. That yeah, to have her as a mom and to have that reflected back to me was definitely validating because so many highly sensitive people just feel a lot of shame for for their trait.
Fiona Weaver 12:47
Yeah, what did it look like for you in childhood? What were some of those traits of being highly sensitive?
Alissa Boyer 12:53
So I was definitely I was definitely, like, very intense. Like, I felt everything very deeply. Everything felt like such a big deal. Like, I just remember every like, if I was mad, I was so mad if I was sad. I was so sad. It was just like, there was no, like, even point it was just very much up and down. very extreme. I was very, very creative. I just like loved spending time by myself reading or I would like write these little books and illustrate them and I just like loved being in my own little imagined it. imaginative world. Yeah, so that was I just like felt a lot. And I was always asking my parents like these deep questions. My mom kept a journal for me when from the time she was pregnant until I was five years old. And I think it was like, five or I don't know, four or five. And I was like asking her about God and like all these like deep life questions. So I think it's just always like, wow, there's, you know, HSP from the beginning.
Fiona Weaver 13:50
Yeah, amazing how good the mom has a journal too. That
Alissa Boyer 13:53
would be so interesting to read. It's so it's so interesting.
Fiona Weaver 13:57
I so wish I'd done that with my kids. But I haven't. I haven't either. So I'm really curious to hear about your own journey into motherhood as a highly sensitive person, take us back, like through pregnancy and birth and all of that.
Alissa Boyer 14:14
Yeah, so I definitely like always knew I wanted to be a mom and I was I there was just like, no question about that. And I feel like there's no perfect timing, like, Okay, now I'm ready. But for my husband and I, like some of our friends started having kids, and then we were kind of like, okay, I think I think maybe we should try like let's just see what happens. And so, I mean, this might be triggering for some, but like, the first time we got pregnant, I had a miscarriage which was just like, I have to share that because that was just something that like, I didn't expect to happen and I've realized it's so common. And so that you know, knowing it was common made me feel better, but that was like a really hard experience and, and kind of a change to like, I've had first approach watched it with a more lighthearted, like mindset, like, Okay, you get pregnant and then you have a baby. And so then having that happen first was like, wow, okay, this is like, first like losing that baby. It was very early, like eight weeks. But that, that like showed me like, wow, I really, really want to be a mom because I was just like, so heartbroken. So we tried again, like two months later, and I got pregnant. And of course, like, at first I was like, anxious, like, okay, like, it's like, you're cautiously hopeful because you just don't want to get hurt again. So that was like one thing. And as somebody who like has struggled with anxiety. Throughout my life, that was something I really had to like, work on was just like, Okay, going to like my meditation and having techniques to like, stay calm, and really try my best to just like, you know, have the best mindset and hope for the best. And so, yeah, as the pregnancy progressed, and things were healthy, we started to like, really feel excited. And just like dream about, you know, what this what this was going to be like, we had no idea and I knew I just had a feeling that we were going to have a girl and we did a little just small gender reveal just with our parents. And it was it was a girl so we were super excited. And for me pregnancy was like, I had a fairly easy pregnancy. It was like, not too eventful. I didn't mind I kind of enjoyed being pregnant, to be honest with you. Like, I liked, you know, that pregnancy glow. Like I had those times where I'm like, Oh, I feel very feminine. I feel very womanly. And so I enjoyed that. And plus, like people are so nice to you with your pregnancy. Like,
Fiona Weaver 16:41
oh, just get treated. So much fuss.
Alissa Boyer 16:45
So much fuss. Yeah, just I mean, yeah. So like, there was that which was cool. The first trimester was like really sick, but after that, it was fine. Um, but yeah, so then our my due date was May 28. But then towards the like, I don't know if 3536 weeks pregnancy, I started having high blood pressure. And it was like measure high at every doctor's appointment. And it was like so weird because I felt fine. And I was just shocked. I'm like, really like, what I don't, I don't, I don't see how this could be the case, but kept measuring high. And so when I was like 37 weeks, five days or something like that there, it was like a Friday and they're like, Okay, your blood pressure is really high. If it measures high again, like we're gonna have you come in again on Tuesday, or Monday. And if it's high again, then we're gonna have to induce you and I was like, really upset over this. Like, I had a postpartum doula and a birth doula. So I was like, working with her. And so I was like, we I was kind of aware of what I wanted, you know, what I hoped my birth would look like. And so I talked it through with her and I had known like, I really don't want to get induced, I really want this to like, go, I want to go into labor. Naturally. I just like had this vision and but so we kind of just talked it through and I just was like, Alright, I'm just gonna, like surrender and trust, like, I'm gonna do what I can to lower my blood pressure. But if I go in on Monday, and it's still high, then it is what it is like, whatever. And so that's what ended up happening. I, I went in and my blood pressure was high and like my doctor insisted, like, okay, we're just we shouldn't do see you. And so was that was our was that preeclampsia? It wasn't I actually I got tested for that. And I didn't have preeclampsia. But she was concerned, just like, I don't really know, still, I think just like, what can happen if your blood pressure's high or the stress on me and the baby? I mean, it was like, fairly high. It was just weird, cuz I felt fine. You know?
Fiona Weaver 18:47
Yeah, you wouldn't have known. I wouldn't have known I wouldn't have known.
Alissa Boyer 18:51
Exactly. So yeah, so we went into it and it was like, Okay, this is what isn't what I envisioned and like, to be honest with you, I'm like a pretty go with the flow person. I'm not like I don't need a strict plan. I'm okay with things changing. My only thing was that I didn't want to get induced so I kind of had to come to terms with that. Be like alright, Alyssa, the one thing you want it it's gonna happen it's just gonna have to be okay. So yeah, and so having so we got the space setup. My my Doula was amazing. Like, I sidenote, I just have to say like hiring a doula was, I knew I wanted to do that from the get go. Because just knowing I'm very sensitive, I knew that I am the type of person who needs a lot of support. I need somebody who can like, just, I don't know, that's like an expert, somebody that can kind of like, translate what the doctor is saying and like, let me know, you know, does this make sense? Is this my best option? Somebody who's literally there to like, just be there for me, like obviously my husband, too, but like, it's happening for him as well. So
Fiona Weaver 19:52
yeah, I feel like also as a highly sensitive person. I need my environment just so to really relax and that is something because I went through the birth center, which was a little bit more holistic. And they have the birthing pool and fairy lights and nice music and salt lamps and things like that, that might not matter so much to other people. But for me, I just need that nurturing, warm space to feel safe.
Alissa Boyer 20:19
Yes, yes, I am the exact same way. Exactly. Yeah. So it's like, I knew that would matter to me. I wanted birth to feel like, you know, an initiation, like a beautiful experience as much as it could be. I'm just I was never like, terrified of birth either. It's not like I was like, excited about it. But I was not like, freaked out. I was always Honestly, I was always way more nervous about postpartum than then giving birth because I was like, I'm gonna be fine. I'm gonna get out of this. I'm going to be okay. Because an endpoint to the there's an endpoint. Exactly. That was That was always my thought process. So, yeah, so my Doula, like helped make the environment as, as nice as it could be. We're in these birthing suites. So it was like had the dim lights, and I had central oils, and we made it really special. And my labor lasted like 11 hours total. So it wasn't it wasn't too crazy, long.
Fiona Weaver 21:14
Long time. Oh, yeah. I
Alissa Boyer 21:15
mean, it was still a long time. But I was like, okay, as long as it's not like for 2448 hours, because I have some friends who'd had that. And I'm like, please don't. So it was like, I got introduced at 9pm. And then I gave birth at at 8am. The following morning. So yeah, yeah. So it was like, you know, it didn't start how I wanted, but it actually was like, progressed pretty slowly. It was like fairly manageable. Like, I felt very supported. I had my husband, my Doula, and my mom there, it was, like, I felt like I had the best team ever.
Fiona Weaver 21:50
So thanks a different thing. Yeah, so it
Alissa Boyer 21:53
was it was. I mean, I'm fairly happy with how I went. People are always like, how was your birthday? I'm like,
Fiona Weaver 21:59
I don't know. I mean, it was good. Like, I never got nothing to compare it to. Exactly, exactly. Yeah. So I think feeling supported is everything, isn't it? Oh,
Alissa Boyer 22:09
everything. Yeah. Because then it's like, I can just relax and to myself and be in the experience and not have to worry how everyone's doing or Yes. All of that.
Fiona Weaver 22:19
So absolutely. Okay, so talk us through the next bit, your initial your early postpartum experience.
Alissa Boyer 22:26
Yeah, so it really postpartum was a trip I was very scared about, like the lack of sleep. Because being highly sensitive, I've just I've always needed a ton of sleep. And so I mean, that's a rude awakening way. Like, I'm like, Okay, if this baby like this is gonna look different for a very long time. And so we were able to go home after I think we spent three nights in the hospital. And I had worked with my Doula to make sure we were set up really well or as well as we could be. So like, we had it planned. Like, my my mom would come once a week, my husband's mom would come once a week. And then we had visits from the doula I think once a week as well, we had like frozen meals, like we had all of these things to set us up. And I'm very grateful we did that. Because it really, it really made a difference. And I think I kind of did my homework, so to speak ahead of time knowing like, okay, these are the things that you want to have in order to feel set up and I did those things. And it made a world of difference because like, the hormone shift, your body changing, you're just so tired, everything is just like, new. It's like it was so great to not have to think about like the meals and things like that. So for me, it's like it's interesting. I mean, those first few weeks are such a bubble. And I at first I didn't really have any anxiety and I was like cool I'm like getting through this like I thought I was for sure gonna have postpartum anxiety like I was feeling good. So it's like all fine and managed manageable hard met but manageable. I've really struggled the most with like the lack of, you know, my identity changed in my whole life changed. But for me, things got really hard around eight to 10 weeks, like that's when it just got like, really hard for me. And that's when I had like, postpartum anxiety kick in and, and all of that. So it's interesting. It didn't pan out how I thought at first, so I thought it was like scooting by feeling good. And I mean, not good. But like I felt better than I expected. You know what I mean?
Fiona Weaver 24:27
Yeah. And that's often the case, isn't it? We all have these timelines in our head that we get from what people tell us and so many people say, you just got to get through that first six weeks. You just got to get through the first two months. You just got to get through that first week. Everybody has their own experiences. And everyone's times timelines look so different, but you can hang on to it when you go into it. I know I did. I'm like I just have to get through the first six weeks and like you I loved the first six weeks. I thought that was the easy bit. And then shit got hard. So What did that look like for you when you started feeling some anxiety?
Alissa Boyer 25:03
Oh my gosh, well, for me it was like, because like, if you asked me what her sleep looked like, in those early weeks, I couldn't tell you, I'm sure it was just crazy and not great and whatever. But like, I don't, it doesn't stick out to me. But it, it started getting really hard to get around like, eight to 10 weeks because all of a sudden, she was like, she would like sleep for like two or three hours at the beginning of the night, and then literally would wake up every single hour until morning. And this went on for like seriously six to eight weeks. And so that's what really triggered my anxiety was like, Okay, I was, you know, things were feeling somewhat manageable. I was like surviving on this sleep. But then suddenly, when it was like that broken up, and that intense for that long it just like, my mental health suffered, like I started, it was just like, I got to a dark place really quickly because of just how exhausted I was. And it was really, it was honestly one of the hardest things I've ever gone through. And so it was like, it was just so intense. And I think one of the other things that was hard about that time, too is like, I don't know, I feel like you've read stuff like, like you're saying, like, oh, just gotta get past the first six weeks and news. And then I feel like as the baby gets older, there's almost like this pressure, like, oh, like you should get start getting them on a routine or whatever. Like, there's all these like, ridiculous pressures out there. And so I as somebody who's like, tends to want to do things perfect. And like, you know, being an overachiever, I was like, Okay, I gotta, like, get this figured out. Well, that was not happening. Like things were felt like crazy. And so I felt like I was, you know, almost failing, because I just felt like, there's these unrealistic expectations and my baby's not adhering to any sort of schedule and, and my nights are absolutely terrible right now, like I just was hitting the, at all different angles. And yeah, so that was like when I reached out to a postpartum therapist, because I was like, I just was like, I don't, I don't feel like myself, like it was honestly was just like, so dark and really scary feeling for me.
Fiona Weaver 27:12
It's it's such a common story as well, unfortunately, is when the the rule suddenly changed around three or four months. So for the first, you know, the fourth trimester, pick your baby up and sue them and feed them on demand and cuddle them and do everything you need to do. And then by three months, you have to have them linking sleep cycles, you have to have themselves settling, you have to have them sleeping more than an hour in their quarter at a time, like just ridiculous rules that they pull out of nowhere. And all of a sudden, everything shifts like Oh, fuck, now I am doing everything wrong and filing just like that. Yes,
Alissa Boyer 27:44
yes, exactly. And that was like, so I mean, I've recognized like, the pages out there that were making me feel terrible that were triggering me. And I was like, Okay, I'm unfollowing I'm following I'm following and I found your page. I had even set up a sleep consultation with Marianna through baby because I was like, because I had learned through talking with her. She's like, Oh, it sounds like your daughter probably hit the four month sleep progression a little early and it like everything checked off and like, just chatting with her and understanding like, what's normal, like, what is biologically normal was like, gave me so much peace of mind. Because I was like, gosh, there's such this narrative out there like, Oh, this is how it's supposed to be. And this is how it's supposed to look. And so yeah, it's like, all this
Fiona Weaver 28:33
energetic one way for it to look as well. Yeah, I'm like,
Alissa Boyer 28:37
yeah, if like they Okay, so that was Yeah, so that was like, it was crazy. And I mean, having that information definitely helped me to know, like, Okay, this is normal, okay, it's not gonna last forever, like you're gonna be, you're gonna get through this. It's gonna be okay. Like, that definitely helped. But there's still the very real effects of the sleep deprivation that we're living, you know, was, was clouding me a lot of the time. Yeah. Yeah, like taking those steps to, like, unfollow, and like, get an understanding of what's normal, and see how I could get myself more support. Like, those were things that I had to do, especially being so sensitive.
Fiona Weaver 29:18
Yeah, amazing. So I'm curious to hear what your anxiety symptoms looked like, if you can describe them, like physical or, you know, unhelpful thoughts. What did it look like for you?
Alissa Boyer 29:30
Yeah, so it was definitely like a lot of this need to control I like would get obsessed with like trying to control her schedule all the time. And like, thinking like, Oh, if I get her to nap this long during the day, then everything's gonna be okay. And then if somebody else was watching her or like, my husband was with her whatever and it wasn't going how I thought it would go should go I like felt this just extreme anxiety. Like it would always be in my chest where it almost felt hard to breathe and I was like, Oh my gosh, like I was just an ruminating thoughts. It's like me thinking like, oh my gosh, we're just gonna have another horrible night and how am I gonna get through another horrible night and just like lots and lots of rumination, lots of trying to control and like, and it was interesting too because there were there would be days where things would be like, quote unquote perfect like, Oh, she napped how I wanted her to like everything went by the book and we'd still have a rough night. And so almost having those experiences was kind of good for me because it helped me to see like, him control at all. Like, it's not gonna go how you want. But yeah, it was the ruminating thoughts for sure. And honestly, just like, I just can still remember specifically because for a while there, she would only take contact naps, like that was that was literally it. And I remember like my husband leaving for work one morning, and I was just so exhausted, and I'm just like, on the couch with her on my chest. And I was just like, literally, I'm like, how am I gonna get through this day? Like, how am I gonna get through this day? It's just like, it was really, really intense.
Fiona Weaver 31:01
Yeah, sounds good. Yeah. So what what helps you come out the other side of that will be so you've had postpartum mental health support through your therapist, what else has helped?
Alissa Boyer 31:13
So yeah, that's been really really huge. Also, I joined a mom and me group when Blaine was about four months old. And so just like being around other moms and hearing like real stories, like behind the scenes, like, Oh, my kids sleeping the same way. Or I realized other people had other issues that I wasn't dealing with, like stress around feeding or weight gain or things like that, like with the baby. And I realized, like, it just put it into perspective for me, because I felt like, I had felt so isolated. I felt like I was looking on social media and all I could see it was like how I was failing. But then I talked to real moms with babies my baby's age, and it was like, oh, no, you're like, you know, you're doing okay, like, You're right along where you're where you should be everyone's right there with you. So, for me, it was just like, yeah, just seeing like, what's normal and having people be honest about that? That that was huge. And in the I just like working with the therapist was amazing. I needed to, like, have her kind of reflect some things back to me. And, and also just like seeing how I could set myself up with more support, and, you know, bring my husband and more when he was able to it's hard when you know, as breastfeed, or am breastfeeding, and she needed me so much. But yeah, those were the main things that helped.
Fiona Weaver 32:32
Yeah, and unfollowing this sleep accounts that made you feel like a failure. It's hard, isn't it? Because all of the messaging says, this is the way it has to look. And if you're not getting this, then you're doing it wrong. You're failing. Yes. And like you like you related it to before that you have some traits of perfectionism, and high achieving, which a lot of highly sensitive people do. I'm sure. That is not helpful in parenthood. It's really, really not. And it's so anxiety provoking to feel like we have to get everything right. And overthink every parenting decision. overthink, you know, the sleeps? It's yeah, it's a lot.
Alissa Boyer 33:11
Truly. Yeah. And that's like, the main thing I've been working through with my therapist. Now. It's like, because just seeing because there was like, before I became a mom, I felt like oh, like I have things under control. Like I, my anxiety wasn't too prevalent, like, I felt like pretty, pretty good. And that it was crazy how motherhood kicked up all this stuff. And it was like, oh, there's like, still some old things there that need to be repaired.
Fiona Weaver 33:32
It's
Alissa Boyer 33:36
like, Oh, dang it. So yeah, that's been really helpful to just like, look at all of that. And I think, I mean, I'm happy that I'm doing this work now. Because I feel like it's, you know, you always want to be the best you can for your kid, not in like a perfectionist way. But like, I want to be more present with her. And when I'm super anxious, like, I was not enjoying the moment with her at all, because I was literally like staring at a clock rather than looking at her and being present to like the sweet moments I could be enjoying, you know what I mean? Because I was so obsessed with a schedule on the clock. And I think that's the sad thing that probably a lot of people lose out on because they get sucked into thinking that their kid needs to be on a schedule by three months, and they lose, you lose the joy of enjoying the little, little one in front of you.
Fiona Weaver 34:24
You can become so focused on the outcomes of everything rather than the relationship and all that magic and mutual delight and beautiful moments of connection because you're focused on getting the right outcome. So I would love to chat about what struggles and strengths highly sensitive mothers might find themselves within this season of life.
Alissa Boyer 34:48
Oh, for sure. Yeah, I mean, I think one of the greatest strengths we have as highly sensitive moms is like our empathy and our ability to just really like tune in. I mean, every mom is gonna have If I would think like that mother's intuition where you know your kid best, and you can just sense what they need. And I think that's just like so innate in us as highly sensitive people. And so I've just found that like strength to be really enhanced with my daughter just can really tap in. I think also, we tend to be like, we feel the highs, you know, we can feel the highs really high. And I think that with motherhood, like the moments where I'm just like, with my daughter, and we're just like, chatting back and forth, you know, whatever that looks like, I feel like I'm just like, so like feeling it in every cell. Like, I think that's one of the gifts of being highly sensitive. It's like, we can be moved so deeply, like, you know, her doing something cute can make me cry. And it's like a sweet thing. I'm just like, so aware of, like, this special moment in my life that's fleeting. So I think that's a really big gift as highly sensitive people. And also just like our intuition, and kind of, you know, being able to tap into that as moms is amazing. Yeah, and I would also say, like the I mean, they're all kind of related, but like emotional intelligence. And I think that highly sensitive parents probably can make some of the greatest parents, of course, like we have, you know, the overwhelm, and things that can come up can make it challenging, but I think that because we tend to be so conscientious and thoughtful and thinking of other people, I think we can really impart some beautiful, you know, teachings for our children and can kind of be that example for them, which is, which I
Fiona Weaver 36:29
love. Yeah, amazing. What about some more of those? You mentioned that we do experience more overwhelmed than others. What does that look like in motherhood? I mean, I could say what it looks like for me.
Alissa Boyer 36:43
Yeah, yeah. How
Fiona Weaver 36:45
do we navigate that?
Alissa Boyer 36:47
Yeah, so definitely, like the overstimulation is real. Like, yeah, I couldn't think of an example like just the other day, literally, I was like making dinner and like that oven fan was on I hate the sound of that thing where it's like, loud. I was like, It's too loud. My husband's like working on the ice machine like clinking away, and my daughter is like, screeching and playing with her little light up toys. And I was like, Oh my gosh, like, so it's just that feeling where you're like, Ah, this is too much. And you almost, for me, I feel very irritable. And like, if anyone says anything, I'm just going to explode. So that can happen for us. And, you know, as much as we can, like, if we can find ways to like, take a moment to ourselves, like if you can leave the room and like, take a breath, like, try, you know, as moms, we don't always have a whole lot of free time to ourselves, but I try to just like feel my feet on the ground, like, try to just like bring myself back into my body as much as I can breathe into my belly, like just like slow down. That tends to help. I also am a huge fan of like listening to high frequency like the hurt, what do you call it, meditations where it's like the certain binaural beats, things like that. Like, if I can, like on a walk with her just having these little ways where I can kind of like soothe myself in the moment is really helpful. For even just like getting out for a walk is amazing for myself. And yeah, nature. Always getting out in nature is always amazing. But yeah, so the overstimulation is probably one of the biggest things and also when they're crying, and you're such an empathetic person, like if that can hurt you to the core, like, it's so hard for, like, I can't like, focus or feel okay, until I know, like she's taken care of, and she's okay. And so sometimes, like with my work, like, someone else will be watching her, whether it's my mom or my mother in law, or my husband, and if I hear her crying, and I'm like, on a podcast or doing something, I'm like, sitting there, like, My chest hurts. Like, it's like one of those things. I'm like, I don't think there's anything I can do to make this better. It's just part of the deal. Yeah, that comes up.
Fiona Weaver 38:52
Just takes a bit of intention to be able to sit with her. Hey, for sure. She's another loving mom. So I always say that they're not the loving homes. Yes.
Alissa Boyer 39:01
My therapist said that to me. I'm like, Okay, you're right. You're right. Yeah, right.
Fiona Weaver 39:05
She's like, I'm okay. I think that overstimulation especially at that hour of the day is such a big one. Like I'm, I feel stressed thinking about the oven fan and the ice machine and a screeching daughter, and the light up toys. And I just always think in those moments, like, there's so many layers, I need to like, take away a couple of these layers. I probably can't take away the screeching baby. I can take away the toy that makes noise. You can do the Ice thing later, mate. Yeah, and maybe we don't need the oven fan on right now.
Alissa Boyer 39:34
Yes, yes. I think that's so yeah, such a good point, like removing what you can and like sometimes, too, it's like when my house is like super cluttered. Like I know, you know, yes, the dishes leave the things but for me when my environment is like super messy and just cluttered. Like I really need to take care of something in order to just feel like I can breathe and so if my daughter is able to just like chill on her play mat for a while like I'm definitely going to be like picking things up and I noticed such a shift in my mood just when I can at least get the room. I'm in like a little bit more picked up. It's like, amazing what that can do to just be like, okay.
Fiona Weaver 40:10
Yeah, so yeah, yeah. And it's quite a simplistic piece of advice to just say the dishes can wait. Because sometimes the dishes
Alissa Boyer 40:18
the problem. Yeah, it's really stressing me out like,
Fiona Weaver 40:22
I can see them to my body. Yeah, yeah. I think as well having a little corner of the house somewhere that is yours. And it's calm, like a, like a calm down corner for a kid, where the lighting is nice. It feels nurturing and comfortable. And it's just a quiet space to go. And there's no toys allowed in there.
Alissa Boyer 40:42
Oh, my gosh, that's such a must. Absolutely. Yeah. And one other thing I just think thought of, because it's very real for me is like always making sure you're like eating enough food because low blood sugar and like, I've learned in my research of highly sensitive people, like, we're going to be more sensitive to things like blood sugar dip. So it's like if you're hungry, and then you're stressed, it's like, it's just going to amplify things. So even having like little snacks and like protein bars has been really important for me, because otherwise I'm like, I'm not my best self when I'm hungry. And baby's crying and all that. So that's another just like simple thing I've found helpful.
Fiona Weaver 41:18
Another layer, hey, and then if you've got some clothes on that are feeling restricting or uncomfortable, they're not right. For the weather. I always joke how I get changed about three or four times a day because clothes just stop feeling right. And I'm not fussy about fashion at all. I have like my favorite three to four safe outfits on rotation. But I'm like, Oh, the weather's shifted a little bit. I better get changed, or I'm going for a walk. So I don't really want anything around my waist. Yes, I'm the
Alissa Boyer 41:45
exact same way. It's a trick work. But it's so true. Yeah, at home, I have to have my long like tall, warm fuzzy socks on out and I can only feel okay, socks.
Fiona Weaver 41:55
Yes, totally. Or if it does start writing like kids, it's a cozy day. Let's watch a movie. Oh, that's so funny. Look, what would you like highly sensitive mothers to know if you could tell them one thing or share one piece of advice or wave a magic wand, whatever that looks like.
Alissa Boyer 42:18
I just want highly sensitive mothers really to allow yourself to be supported by other people. Because highly sensitive people, a lot of them since I've worked with so many of them tend to be those people who like don't want to ask for help. They don't want to burden anyone. They're always doing so much for everyone else. And then they're getting burnt out. And like there's no room for that in motherhood. Like you've really, really need to allow yourself to be supported. There's no shame like, people are happy to help. So really like let yourself be supported. And if if it's available to you, I would recommend everyone get a doula because it was like so, so helpful just to have that person who's there for you during birth, postpartum. Amazing. So support all the support.
Fiona Weaver 43:00
Yeah, amazing. And that postpartum therapy as well as really important, isn't it? Yeah, for sure. I think also, like, as a highly sensitive person, I feel like I need more space, or more downtime than others. And sometimes I feel like why can't I cope as well as other people can? Like, why do I need so much time by myself? Even my husband doesn't quite understand. It's like, I don't know why you don't want to be around your family. And like, because I just don't, I didn't need to go away and not be looked at or talk to. And just to be with my thoughts. Sometimes. I need a lot of time for processing.
Alissa Boyer 43:32
Yes. Oh, that's so relatable. I'm the exact same way. And for sure, that feeling of like, why is why am I not able to cope as well? And like, Oh, am I being dramatic for like getting so worked up over this or struggling so much. And I think that's one of the good things about us knowing about being highly sensitive, because it's like it kind of it just helps us accept it more. It's kind of like, Yeah, this is just how I am and like other people aren't. And that's like, that's their journey. But like for me, yeah, I need that space in that time to decompress. So I'm right there with you.
Fiona Weaver 44:03
Yeah, yeah, totally. Well, thank you so much for your time today. It's been so nice to chat with you. I think we have lots to talk about. Yeah, it's just been really, really nice to connect with you. So thank you.
Alissa Boyer 44:15
Yeah, same with you. Thank you for having me on. I'm so happy. Got to chat. Yeah.
Fiona Weaver 44:20
Where can people find you? By the way before we leave? Oh,
Alissa Boyer 44:22
yes. Um, Instagram is where I'm the most active at life by Alyssa, you can find so many HSP tips there. And my websites linked in all the things and I have a podcast as well that's linked on my website if you want to dive deeper into HSP
Fiona Weaver 44:37
amazing things like that. Yeah. Cool. I will put it all in the show notes. So thank you again, so much for your time, and we'll chat soon.
Alissa Boyer 44:44
Thank you.
Fiona Weaver 44:46
Thank you so much for listening to mama chatters if you enjoyed this episode, let's continue the conversation on Instagram at MAMA matters.au. Be sure to share this app with your family and friends. And don't forget if you liked it, please leave a rating and review wherever you get your podcasts thank you again and I will see you next time
