How to involve your partner more at bedtime
We were never meant to care for a child alone.
Because, the harsh reality is - that the work it takes to take care of one child, is literally more than one person can handle on their own.
Yet we are often bearing the weight of the childcare responsibilities. So, how can we make sure that our partners or alternate caregivers can do their part at bedtime?
Here’s your first truth bomb- you are not ‘just better at it’ because you are the birth person, or the breastfeeding person - the research now shows us that fathers and other caregivers can have the same brain changes as mothers.
So, what does this mean?
It means that if you muck in, and get your hands dirty to take care of your baby (not just play with them) - you will gain the same confidence and bond that the birth person or primary caregiver seems to have. If you need more evidence - watch the documentary ‘Babies’ on Netflix.
“We’ve known for over 100 years that mothers get a surge of oxytocin during pregnancy, childbirth and nursing – but we discovered that the more you do with a baby – wash it, feed it and engage in that parental role – the more your oxytocin system will activate. This is amazing. Fatherhood is biological – it’s as deep as motherhood.”
Professor Ruth Feldman, of the Interdisciplinary Center Herzliya in Israel.
So, they matter. Here’s how they can get more involved.
*Note - For the purpose of this article I will be referring to ‘Your Partner’ or ‘Dad’ interchangeably, but I acknowledge that caregivers can be any person involved in the child’s life.
My Top 5 Tips for Getting Your Partner More Involved in Bedtime
Start ‘em early.
Newborns tend to have an ‘indiscriminate attachment’ - which means that they don’t totally have a preference for a certain caregiver at this age (although, many will often settle better for the breastfeeding person). But it’s a great idea to start to build up their village of attachment before they get particularly choosey about who does what.
2. Don’t be a Maternal Gatekeeper.
Maternal Gatekeeping is when we ahh… try to control a bit too much. We might want things done a certain way, or we might feel like we are the only ones who can do it. But, we need to let go of some control if we want others to be involved. And, they deserve to be able to play this role.
3. Step back, so they can step up.
Sometimes, you might need to literally leave the house if you want them to find their confidence and find their way of doing things. Space is a beautiful thing, and particularly if your baby already has parental preference - then sometimes it’s easier for your partner and kiddo to know that they are each other’s only option. Space for you is a pretty big win, too!
4. Use a gradual approach.
If you have an older babe and this is completely new to them, don’t expect to hand over the entire bedtime routine in one night. Particularly for a highly sensitive kiddo, it might be best to ease into it. This will help your partner to build confidence too. For example, the first few nights Dad might do bath, then you can do the rest of the routine together. The next few nights, Dad might do bath and pyjamas, and you do the rest together, and so on - until Dad is taking over the entire routine. It’s okay if you step in for the last piece if you are still breastfeeding to sleep.
5. Hold the boundary, support the emotion.
If your babe is older and can really let you know they are not happy with the situation and just want Mum to do it - it’s okay to hold the boundary if it is important to you guys. You can communicate that you understand they really want Mum to do it - but Dad/ Granny is going to do it tonight, and Mum can’t wait to XYZ (casting their eyes to the next connection with Mum). They may cry. But crying isn’t the enemy. Crying is expressing emotions, and we are calm and confident caregivers who can hold space for them to have their feelings about it.
For some more hot tips on navigating your family’s sleep, check out my Sleep Guide.
