“Is she sleeping through the night?” The question no one wants to hear.
We’ve all been asked it, and likely we have all asked it to others before - the age-old, stock-standard, question to ask new mothers.
“IS YOUR BABY SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT?”
But this question is loaded. And it has unintended consequences on mothers - on their confidence. I asked a bunch of mums in my Mama Matters Insta Community how they felt when they heard this question.
“After all this time I still feel like I’m doing something wrong or there is something wrong with him.”
“I feel despair.”
“Makes me think they view my bub as a robot that I’ve not programmed correctly.”
“Judgement. I feel like it’s the only goal anyone truly cares for so iif he isn’t I’m failing.”
“Are they about to judge me based on what I’m going to say?”
“Anxiety, frustration, annoyance.”
“I better not tell them I bedshare”
“I feel like I’m failing because my nearly 11 month old isn’t but my friends’ younger babies are.”
“Guilt, defensiveness and an assumption they believe in sleep training bullshit..”
“Why are you asking? So you can judge me and offer unwanted advice?”
“Frustration, rage, annoyance, a colleague said I am going to ‘have to be a tough mumma soon’”
“Like I need to defend my baby not sleeping through the night.”
“Annoyed that this is such a cliche question and I also think ‘none of your business!’”
See, the thing is, asking whether a baby is sleeping through the night, may inadvertently be assuming that they should be. It takes guts and confidence to be able to confidently say no, and to leave it. Most mothers, especially first time, new mothers - may feel nervous, anxious, and feel the need to justify why their baby is not ‘sleeping through the night’ - and it may just be a hit to their confidence.
Getting the picture? Best off just not to ask. There are other things you can ask. Like what? Here are some suggestions from said MM Insta Community:
“How are you going?”
“What’s your coffee order? I’ll drop one off.”
“What sort of things does he like?”
“What do you love about her?”
“How much rest are you getting?”
“How is the sleep going?”
“How are you feeling? Are you getting enough rest and help?”
“Just don’t ask. Literally ask anything else.”
Of course, this question isn’t meant to upset people or make them feel bad. I used to ask it to any new mother I came across - probably, cringe-ing-ly, followed up by “Is he a good baby?” (that’s a post for another day.) But our words matter, and we need to think about how we are talking to parents.
BABIES WAKE FREQUENTLY, AND THIS IS BIOLOGICALLY NORMAL AND PROTECTIVE. WHEN WE PUT THE FOCUS ON SLEEP, IT ENCOURAGES THIS CULTURAL OBSESSION. IT IMPLIES THAT ‘SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT’ IS THE END-GAME. IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE A THING.
And, to finish - here are some answers to the dreaded question that my community came up with - take as required.
“She sleeps like a baby.”
“Sometimes, sometimes not.”
“No he still wakes up a lot, lucky for me love and cuddles work a treat.”
“Not yet.”
“No.”
“Sleep can be tough but that’s very normal for babies & toddlers.”
“Why do you ask?”
She is sleeping developmentally appropriately.”
“Nope! He’ll get there when he’s ready.”
“Of course not, and that’s normal.”
“Nope, but I don’t as an adult, so I don’t expect her to.”
“He wakes a little but it’s important for us to be responsive.”
“We both get enough sleep.”
“He sleeps soundly alongside me.”
No, but neither do I!”
“Nope! Never has, but that’s okay. She’s a beautiful, happy baby.”
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